Mindset Nugget: The ego’s biggest addiction and what to do about it
With my fellow coaching colleagues this month we explored the topic of the biggest addiction of the ego. The question was : What is the biggest addiction of ego?’ Here were some of the answers:
To gain the illusion of power/control (to feel superior)
To gain approval/validation (as we feel unsure we’re ‘good enough’)
The need to be right (to feel superior), to go into proving and defending our beliefs/opinions/values
To go back into familiar habits/behaviours (to feel safe/to belong our because it gives us some kind of benefit)
However, what if the biggest addiction of the ego is SHAME and FEAR? And we’re either in the energy of Humility or the energy of Humiliation?
When we’re in the energy of Humiliation, we either shame part of ourselves or we try to shame others. When we’re in the energy of Humility, we are modest, we don’t need to feel superior or inferior.
For me, humility does not mean meekness, weakness or being self-deprecating. It means not taking our desires, successes or failings too seriously. It comes from an unconditional acceptance and understanding that we have a place in the larger picture of the universe. Quite a tall order isn’t it? I don’t think I need to go into what the energy of humiliation feels like, my guess is that we’ve all experienced it.
Perhaps when we’re humble, we’re more compassionate and when we’re in humiliation, we’re feeling judged harshly or we’re the ones doing the harsh judging. Blame and shame, in my opinion sums up what is not working in our political systems and internal systems. Knowing this, here are some tools to help us get back into the energy of Humility. The following short phrase is a concept that we humans struggle with:
‘Live and let live’
The problem is the ego doesn’t like this. It commands that you ‘Live like I live’ or “Do as I say”. Whereas ‘Live and let live’ means you do you and allow others to do them without interfering. In other words, mind your own business, you’re not here to control, fix or change anyone apart from yourself.
We can change our relationship with Shame, Guilt and Fear and lessen the push-pull of our emotions (our internal conflict). Here are 5 ways to do this:
Take pressure off of yourself (notice when you are irritable, what is it that you need to give yourself? Acceptance, space, time out etc…?)
Having healthy boundaries/agreements with people (protect your own energy people, you absolutely do NOT have to say ‘Yes’ or justify to people your decisions)
Become the observer of your thoughts or emotions instead of being pulled in by them. It can help to say ‘I am experiencing anger’ instead of identifying with the emotion ‘I am angry’. This creates internal space so that you can be more objective
Understand that humans project their emotions onto others. It may appear that other people are putting us down, however, it may be that we’re doing it to ourselves in some way
This scenario may feel familiar. Has it happened before? How did you come out of it before? Look at past evidence of how you dealt with it
One last thing to add, why practice this? For more inner-peace whenever life lessons pop up along your way. If you want to delve more into the notion of ‘Live and let live’, here’s a link from Psychology today:
“Live and Let Live”: So Easy to Say, So Hard to Do | Psychology Today Canada